Monday, May 6, 2013

The What Ifs

When someone close to you goes through a personal tragedy and it touches you as well it makes you stop and think. Recently this has happened to me and I have been doing a lot of thinking and self examination. I have been going through all the "what ifs" in my head over and over.  What if I die.. how will my children heal ? Will they remember my voice?  Will Jim be able to deal with them in a calm and gentle manner on a day to day basis remembering that they are fragile? Should I record messages to them in case I do die so that they have my voice to listen to for those times they are feeling especially lonely ? Do I make up keepsake boxes for each of them from myself with notes and other special treasures of our time together so that they don't forget about me so quickly?

What if.. what if is such a broad question and it can encompass so many kinds of emotions. I think about all the what ifs so often that sometimes I can't not think about them. So in light of recent events I want to make my what ifs happier ones.

What if we go to the gardens and play tag and hide and seek and I take pictures of them and hey..  maybe I'll get photographed as well. What if we stop at the playground while we are out running errands simply because we can. What if I say what the heck and give them a milkshake before dinner. What if I let them stay up a bit later to watch a show they are enjoying on a school night.

The what ifs can be very powerful things. But I'm beginning to learn that they can also empower you to do more and feel more of the good stuff.