I Remember Every Day

I couldn't forget if I tried. He's part of my life story.
I can't understand how I've gone all these years not knowing about National Pregnancy and Remembrance Day which is celebrated on October 15th every year since Ronald Reagan instituted it in 1988. For people to recognize that a child lost whether in utero or after birth is still a child lost and is felt with the same pain.

I'm not sure if my baby was a girl or a boy. My gut tells me he was a boy so that is what I envision in my dreams. I still have them. I daydream about what my angel baby would be like if he were alive today. The same way I dreamed about his future while I was pregnant. He was our baby even if he never breathed the same air or held our hands.

Some people think that because he wasn't  born yet  the loss couldn't possibly be as great. Those people never went through month after month trying to get pregnant only to be met with disappointment.  Those people didn't have that sinking feeling  and dread with the sight of red.  They also weren't met with an ultrasound that showed that your precious baby, that was so longed for, hadn't grown after the last ultrasound. There are so many things those people just don't know. And they try to comfort you with hollow words like "it'll be OK.. you can try again"... "there is a reason for everything" .. or the best of all "it was God's will".  I wanted to scream at those people and shake them and tell them they were wrong.  There was no reason why my child had to die. And my heart felt as if it died with him at the time. It ached.  I just needed to be held and told that it was not OK. And that I could be angry and that I could cry as much as I wanted.  There weren't too many people that let me do that.  He wasn't a real child after all.. it wasn't a true loss of life. But he was a real child. He was our child and we lost him.

Every so often I take down the box of things I saved from that time and go through the cards and ultrasounds and just sit and remember. I think about him almost every day but those days when I get to go through the box I cherish I get to really think about all the joy he gave us in the short time we had him with us.

So now that I know about Remembrance Day I will do my best to make sure others know about it as well so all the women who have suffered a loss can find some comfort and support.

What the Hell?

The 3 year old is in pre-school now. She has gotten better at using the potty as opposed to a diaper. But only when asked/coerced/forced. She really only goes for the teachers at school. And flat out refuses for me unless I physically sit her down and stay with her till she goes. This isn't really working for anyone.  She is stubborn and apparently its not her time.. blah blah.

For the past week or so she has had a fascination with tying shoes. She says she is doing it but truthfully all she would do is grab the laces, bunch them up, ball them together, hope they stayed and say "I did it !" . Yeah, not quite kid but A for effort.

So after all this "practice" I sit with her yesterday and quickly show her how to tie. Just once.

Tonight while doing homework with the boy I turn around as she yells "I did it" again.. I look at her sneakers and see that she in fact had tied both sneakers.  I about fell over. Said "holy cow Alexa you did it ! Way to go ! " and gave her a hi-five.

And then I sit there shaking my head thinking to myself.. she's some fricking genius MENSA member or something and she still doesn't use the damn toilet. What the hell is going on in my household ?

My Glass is Always Half Empty.

After getting a phone call with potentially very bad news I immediately went to the worst case scenario. I didn't think positive or say to myself "it's still early days, things will be fine". I went right to doom and gloom.

If the bad news were to affect someone else and not myself personally then I'd jump right on the positivity train. "Things will be fine. The tests aren't even back yet. He's healthy and not showing any signs of being sick so that's all good and in his favor. "  I can boost someone else up so high they can't see the ground but as soon as it's MY family I crumble. I break down and see the end. I run through everyone I know who has dealt with the same thing and how that turned out and compare.

Why can't I have a full glass ?  Just this once?  Two weeks of taking baby sips and praying that I don't see the bottom of the glass.