Fleeting Moments are Just That

I have a long commute to work. My mind tends to wander and my train of though turns into a runaway train some days. That is what happened today. While sitting at a stoplight I was scrolling Facebook and thinking of what I can sell on the FB yard sale I am a member of when I came upon a blue glider. Here is where I derailed. I have a blue glider. I thought to myself " Oh, I could sell ours. It's in perfect condition. It just sits there." But then I began thinking some more.  "But it was a gift." And then still some more thinking. " I could get some decent money for it and someone else cold enjoy it." And this is the site of the train wreck..  "Someone else could rock their babies in it. Just like I did."  I go down to the rec room now,  I'll see that glider and I'll sit down. I'll rock for a while and think about my babies, who aren't babies anymore. The smell of their heads at midnight while we rocked and I fed them.  How we snuggled up all cozy and they couldn't get close enough to me nor I to them. Or how when they were just a teenie tiny bit bigger and I would rock them when they could not sleep and I still tried to hold them so close.  Those moments flew by so fast. Oh how I wish I had them now. I steal kisses and hugs from the boy as he struggles to get away these days. He still let's me tuck him in at night but for how long? I will take as much as he will allow. The girls still let me hug and kiss them as much as I want and I do my best because I see what happens when I look at the boy.

Just one more night to rock my babies in the glider.. ahh.. what joy my heart would feel for just that fleeting moment. I think we'll keep it around for a while longer even if only so I can sit and rock by myself and remember the joy.

Drawing a Line.. and it's still a bit blurry

I am once again forced to put my thoughts down in  blog form so as to get my complete thought out without starting some sort of debate on a public forum. The song Blurred lines has been out for a while now.. over a month at least. And yet now, after the whole Miley Cyrus/VMA/Robin Thicke debacle is it getting a bad name. Does no one hear the lyrics of these songs they listen to anymore ? It has a catchy beat so it's great. End of story.  I don't see why Blurred Lines should be any different than any other song on the hit list that is disparaging to women. I've heard offensive songs coming from men and women alike and have yet to hear so much backlash. Except in this instance someone acted like a total sleaze while dancing to the song with said song's singer. And now everyone cringes. I recall dreading Salt n' Pepa's "Push It" coming on the radio when I was driving with my father simply because I was embarrassed by the lyrics. But there was no back lash for that. And I  certainly never heard anyone boycotting Nine Inch Nails for their song "Closer" . That is pretty damn offensive. "Blow My Whistle" is another example. My son started singing that simply from hearing it on the radio and because of the catchy tune. I finally had to tell him to stop. He didn't know the underlying meaning but I did and it pretty much grossed me out hearing it come from my nine year old. And those are just to name a few. There are so many offensive songs out that we sing along to and until some idiot does something to draw attention they are simply a song on the radio.

So why all the fuss over Blurred Lines? It's a song like all the rest. The physical acts during the performance on the VMA's is what is offending people. But if Thicke's wife isn't bothered then why should anyone be bothered for her. It's her marriage.The VMA's were aired on cable. Not Nickelodeon.  There is a reason I don't let my kids watch MTV.  Adult content. It's not music videos anymore and the awards shows are no different.

After all this, my point is if you're going to be offended by the song then that's all fine and dandy but you should have been offended before you were bopping your head to it for a month. And not after some 20 year old who wants to be noticed humped a married man on stage while he sang it.

The What Ifs

When someone close to you goes through a personal tragedy and it touches you as well it makes you stop and think. Recently this has happened to me and I have been doing a lot of thinking and self examination. I have been going through all the "what ifs" in my head over and over.  What if I die.. how will my children heal ? Will they remember my voice?  Will Jim be able to deal with them in a calm and gentle manner on a day to day basis remembering that they are fragile? Should I record messages to them in case I do die so that they have my voice to listen to for those times they are feeling especially lonely ? Do I make up keepsake boxes for each of them from myself with notes and other special treasures of our time together so that they don't forget about me so quickly?

What if.. what if is such a broad question and it can encompass so many kinds of emotions. I think about all the what ifs so often that sometimes I can't not think about them. So in light of recent events I want to make my what ifs happier ones.

What if we go to the gardens and play tag and hide and seek and I take pictures of them and hey..  maybe I'll get photographed as well. What if we stop at the playground while we are out running errands simply because we can. What if I say what the heck and give them a milkshake before dinner. What if I let them stay up a bit later to watch a show they are enjoying on a school night.

The what ifs can be very powerful things. But I'm beginning to learn that they can also empower you to do more and feel more of the good stuff.

My Baby, The Birthday Girl.

April 3rd, 11:11 am, 2008 is when I welcomed my last baby into the world. At that moment I could never understand how someone so tiny and innocent could change a family in such a profound way. She made us whole and "just right". Alexa Paige Curtin is a sassy, stubborn and simply fabulous addition to an otherwise typical family. She stops us dead in our tracks and makes us think at every turn. She can match wits with the best of them on any given day and take down even the biggest and baddest with a simple smile and a glimpse of her dimples.

She is my shadow and as much as I'd love a break most days I would probably miss her constant chatter. Her inquisitive nature amazes me on a daily basis and she has a thirst for knowledge which I just love to feed. Her giggles are contagious and her hugs and kisses are never-ending.  She is my baby. She is turning five and I plan on doing my best to enjoy every minute of it.

One of THOSE Questions..

You know.. the questions we as parents dread. Not the "where do babies come from" question.. my kids think the Dr. cuts babies from everyone's bellies and that it's a normal thing. We'll just leave it at that.

Nope.. I got .. "Is Santa Real?" this morning from the 9 year old. I've been waiting for it. Expecting it. But still wasn't ready for it. I panicked and said yes. He said his friends said that their parents bought the gifts. I regretted saying it, and as he was walking away I asked him what he thought. He didn't hear me and I didn't bring it up again because the girls were around.

I have scripted a letter to him to try and discus the topic tonight after the girls are in bed. I want to get his take on the topic and I don't want him to get all cynical about it. I want him to understand that Santa and Christmas is about the magic and love and togetherness. And that as long as you believe there will always be a Santa. Real physically or not.

I hope my letter and our talk can get that across to him and also help him understand that his sisters are still young enough to have the magic.  And that he needs to keep it alive for them for a while.

Sandy Hook is Our School

On Friday, December 14th a terrible tragedy occurred that has affected me to my core.  Several times throughout the day I think of the children and how they could have been my own children. How Sandy Hook could have been our school. When I see overhead photos of the school I am taken aback at how similar it looks to our own small elementary school. The square shape with a courtyard in the center. A safe place for the children to learn and play. I cry often now, when I look at my 3 children, when I send them off to school, when I see a news headline. I can't control the ache in my heart for the children that died that day and for the adults who gave their lives trying to protect them. And the sorrow I feel for the families they left behind. All the lives lost, for what?  I want to know why but I know even that answer won't curb the heartache.

If I feel this way for all the people that I did not know personally then how could I ever hope to survive something like this if it were to ever happen to me. I can't fathom an answer as to how I would function from day to day. I suppose I would eventually do it to keep life normal for my family but there would always be a piece missing.. my heart would be forever broken.

30 Days of Grateful ? Or Simply a Ploy for Praise?

OK.. I get that some people are super thankful every day of their life and I know who those people are. I see them all the time. But this being the month we celebrate thanksgiving and being thankful for things I just can't get over the number of posts on FB. Maybe it's my cynical side coming out, yet again. But to post every day about something you are thankful for seems a bit overkill. Can't you simply wake up and say to yourself  "today I am thankful for _________" and call it a day? Why must you advertise your overly generous behavior and super thankful thoughts all over social networks for everyone to see? I get that it's a month long "challenge" to see if you can come up with something every day. So if that's the case then is it really something from the heart? Why not call the person you are thanking? Or stop by their house and thank them in person. Or are you just doing it so you can say "yeah I did it every day for 30 days"?  Shouldn't you be thankful every day of your life ? And not just for your extra chocolately mocha cappuccino from Starbucks or for being able to sleep in. But for real things like happy kids, and that your extended family has made it through yet another health scare. THOSE are the things I am thankful for every day of the year. Not simply during November in order to get through 30 days of some challenge on Facebook.

Maybe I'm just getting ornery and cynical in my old age, but instead of advertising I will simply be grateful for my own positives, pay it forward and be thankful that I have the ability to do so.