Coddling our Kids.. raising adults who expect everything handed to them

This came over today in an email while I was at work.. it coincides with my trophies-for-everyone-dont-do-it post of last year.  Still holding strong to my belief .. and this says it way better than I ever could..

As a practicing psychiatrist and a parent of two children, ages 9 and 13, I am very concerned about the state of parenting in America.


When they were a little younger every child on my son’s and daughter’s soccer teams was given a ribbon. It didn’t matter if they were on a team that never won a game or if they had mastered any soccer skills at all. They routinely came home from swim meets with fistfuls of ribbons—first place and second place, but even for fifth place, in a field of five. For the first few years my son played baseball, every boy in the town league got a trophy.


It was a dangerous charade, and I took the steps I could to try to counteract it. I wasn’t heavy-handed. I simply commented, occasionally, that a year or two down the road it would be only the first, second and third-place teams that would get trophies. I would mention that the first-place ribbon from the swim meet was my favorite because it was “better” to get one for beating four other swimmers than for merely finishing the race.


Rewarding mediocrity—or worse—can deprive children of striving to be their best.


It can condition them to expect praise even when their work is average or less-than-average.


It can deprive them of the opportunity to learn—when the stakes are relatively low—that they can survive losses and come back next week or next season or by choosing a different field to compete on, altogether.


It can steal from them the opportunity to find the best in themselves—for real.


It can give them the clear message that they are frail of spirit and dependent on fiction to sustain false self-esteem.


See, since human beings have a God-given barometer of truth inside them, telling them they’ve won when they haven’t is actually dispiriting to them. Being a party to fakery is, in the end, more demoralizing than losing fair and square.


If a child intuits that praise is false, he or she will not be certain a parent’s love is true.


f a child knows that a victory is hollow, he or she can never know the joy of triumphing over adversity.


If a child senses that there is no such thing as excellence, that child can miss the inner calling to greatness that could be his or her birthright.


It has never been more important to honor real winners and comfort real losers and insist that the truth about our children be recognized by them and those around them. Because never before in history have there been so many ways our sons and daughters can lie to themselves about who they are.


On Facebook they can pretend to have hundreds of “friends.” On YouTube they can pretend to be stars. On Twitter they can pretend to be worthy of “followers.”


But the world is waiting to judge them, and certain realities will not be denied. All of us have real enemies to either defeat or be defeated by. We have real illnesses to either cure or be laid low by. We will always have real economic challenges to either come to grips with or run from.


Parents who want to pretend their kids never lose at anything are raising a generation of kids who don’t know what it takes to win. And that is stealing their best from them and stealing the best future from all of us


Dr. Keith Ablow is a psychiatrist and member of the Fox News Medical A-Team

Seriously.. we need to wake up and pull our heads out of our asses.

It's a Family Health Kick

We'll see how long this lasts.  It's a new year. We have a YMCA family memnbership so why the heck not. We could all stand to be a little bit healthier.

The kids are all in swim lessons. That gives Jim and I a 1/2 hour of gym time twice a week. At least track time since we will have kids in tow.  Aedan has soccer and Chloe is now signed up for Gymnastics on Mondays as well. So now I will also get another hour at the gym all by my lonesome.  Add that to our slightly more healthy diet choices and we are on a roll here.

If the gym time doesn't do it all the running from here to there and lack of time to actually sit and eat a meal might do the trick.

I want to flaunt my bikinis .. not just put them on and sit my butt in a chair hoping not to have to get up. I may be old but I don't need to look or feel old.  So I say down with the couch potato and up with action ! We are getting moving in every way possible.  Here's to a great year and our success!

New Year: New Challenges and New Adventures

Most people set goals and resolutions for the New Year. I simply look at it as a clean slate. An opportunity to try new things, maybe change a few things, but most of all look keep an open mind. It doesn't always work but hey, my intentions are always good.

This year is already chock-full of some important life lessons and decisions, and we are only on January 1. Keeping ourselves healthy is a major factor this year. Our family has been hit hard this past year with some medical issues and will be battling those in the coming year. Luckily some have been resolved in a positive way. Others are still being dealt with and hopefully we all can come out on the other side healthy and filled with a better understanding of the disease, strength of family and courage.

I am already taking a big leap and doing something out of the box for me on January 2nd. Makes me nervous and giddy just thinking about it. But it's something I've wanted to do so I'm hoping that in taking this leap that it will give me the courage to go further with other things I have only dreamed about.

This year will be all about adventure. As always with my Family each day is an adventure and I am planning on making the most of it.

Happy New Year 2012 everyone!

The Times They Are a Changin'

They are really growing up. No longer babies at all. No more diapers. Alexa is FINALLY fully potty trained and doing wonderfully. Only accidents when she gets playing with friends and forgets to go.. which isn't to often. She is thriving at Pre-School. No more tears at drop-off is such a blessing it makes my day so much easier. She thinks she is 13 years old and that can be a challenge most days but we get through them with little damage. She's growing up too fast and I find myself looking at photos wishing for my baby back so I could cuddle and rock her at night.

Chloe is doing fantastic in Kindergarten. In the words of Mrs. Garro "She is a joy to have in class, a wonderful student." She is excelling past the expectations of her teacher and even helping her classmates when they have questions in group activities. This of course makes me puff up with pride. My only concern was her emotional meltdowns. The ones she loves to share with me.  Well apparently she saves them for only me. Like I said.. "a wonderful student" . No worries there. Still want that baby back.


Aedan is growing so fast I think he is growing an inch every couple weeks. Constantly eating and I think the food burns off as it goes down his throat because it surely isn't being stored anywhere on him. He is also excelling in school. I wasn't worried about academics. He was reading at a 4th grade level in 1st grade not sure about the level this year as he hasn't been tested yet. Teacher's only concern is his humor. He is the clown, as usual. The other kids are drawn to him and he eats it up. Which isn't always good. But he isn't bullying and he isn't disrupting class so I can't really complain.  Missing the baby.

They may be more independent and easier to handle but I'd give anything to have the babies back because that is the time I love the best.

I Remember Every Day

I couldn't forget if I tried. He's part of my life story.
I can't understand how I've gone all these years not knowing about National Pregnancy and Remembrance Day which is celebrated on October 15th every year since Ronald Reagan instituted it in 1988. For people to recognize that a child lost whether in utero or after birth is still a child lost and is felt with the same pain.

I'm not sure if my baby was a girl or a boy. My gut tells me he was a boy so that is what I envision in my dreams. I still have them. I daydream about what my angel baby would be like if he were alive today. The same way I dreamed about his future while I was pregnant. He was our baby even if he never breathed the same air or held our hands.

Some people think that because he wasn't  born yet  the loss couldn't possibly be as great. Those people never went through month after month trying to get pregnant only to be met with disappointment.  Those people didn't have that sinking feeling  and dread with the sight of red.  They also weren't met with an ultrasound that showed that your precious baby, that was so longed for, hadn't grown after the last ultrasound. There are so many things those people just don't know. And they try to comfort you with hollow words like "it'll be OK.. you can try again"... "there is a reason for everything" .. or the best of all "it was God's will".  I wanted to scream at those people and shake them and tell them they were wrong.  There was no reason why my child had to die. And my heart felt as if it died with him at the time. It ached.  I just needed to be held and told that it was not OK. And that I could be angry and that I could cry as much as I wanted.  There weren't too many people that let me do that.  He wasn't a real child after all.. it wasn't a true loss of life. But he was a real child. He was our child and we lost him.

Every so often I take down the box of things I saved from that time and go through the cards and ultrasounds and just sit and remember. I think about him almost every day but those days when I get to go through the box I cherish I get to really think about all the joy he gave us in the short time we had him with us.

So now that I know about Remembrance Day I will do my best to make sure others know about it as well so all the women who have suffered a loss can find some comfort and support.

What the Hell?

The 3 year old is in pre-school now. She has gotten better at using the potty as opposed to a diaper. But only when asked/coerced/forced. She really only goes for the teachers at school. And flat out refuses for me unless I physically sit her down and stay with her till she goes. This isn't really working for anyone.  She is stubborn and apparently its not her time.. blah blah.

For the past week or so she has had a fascination with tying shoes. She says she is doing it but truthfully all she would do is grab the laces, bunch them up, ball them together, hope they stayed and say "I did it !" . Yeah, not quite kid but A for effort.

So after all this "practice" I sit with her yesterday and quickly show her how to tie. Just once.

Tonight while doing homework with the boy I turn around as she yells "I did it" again.. I look at her sneakers and see that she in fact had tied both sneakers.  I about fell over. Said "holy cow Alexa you did it ! Way to go ! " and gave her a hi-five.

And then I sit there shaking my head thinking to myself.. she's some fricking genius MENSA member or something and she still doesn't use the damn toilet. What the hell is going on in my household ?

My Glass is Always Half Empty.

After getting a phone call with potentially very bad news I immediately went to the worst case scenario. I didn't think positive or say to myself "it's still early days, things will be fine". I went right to doom and gloom.

If the bad news were to affect someone else and not myself personally then I'd jump right on the positivity train. "Things will be fine. The tests aren't even back yet. He's healthy and not showing any signs of being sick so that's all good and in his favor. "  I can boost someone else up so high they can't see the ground but as soon as it's MY family I crumble. I break down and see the end. I run through everyone I know who has dealt with the same thing and how that turned out and compare.

Why can't I have a full glass ?  Just this once?  Two weeks of taking baby sips and praying that I don't see the bottom of the glass.