Thursday, October 30, 2008

Well that's that.

It's official. My baby making days are over. Drs. orders. It took my Dr. telling me that a 4th c-section would be a bad idea to make me understand that I should call it a day. I should be thankful for what I have. Thankful that I was able to get pregnant and carry my babies to term and deliver them healthy. At least 3 out of 4. As much as I appreciate all that I have, there is still this tiny little piece of me saying "what if". What if we didn't have to pay DC for 3 kids already ? What if I get pregnant by *accident* again ? What if we hit the lottery and money isn't an issue? So many what if's .. and yet it's my body that can't handle it. I know my heart could. The amount of scarring from the 1st two sections made sewing me up this last time a monumental feat. As he was sewing he made a joke about reserving a whole day if I have #4. yeah.. funny. But he's not joking now. Sucks to be me. Now that he has flat out said it the importance of his words make me want to run and pretend I didn't hear him. I love being pregnant.. being a mom... now when I say my baby.. that's what she is and will always be. My Baby.. the last..

My family (parents mostly) will be happy to hear it simply because they worry about me. They think I take on too much with a full time job and 3 kids. But gosh.. to have that excitement of findding out you are pregnant.. and the wonderful feeling you get when you feel that 1st movement .. and the butterflies you feel because you have a secret that no one knows yet.. and even better the day you meet your beautiful little baby.. that person that has depended on you for months and will now depend on you even more.. to look in his or her eyes and see everything .. all the hopes and dreams and all the potential in that scrunched up little face.
Ah.. just typing this all out gets to me.. I so wish things were different and yet I'm kinda (I said kinda) glad that I have a reason for calling it quits besides monetary ones.

I'll just have more time to devote to the girls' wardrobes and the boy's sports.

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