Well that's that.

It's official. My baby making days are over. Drs. orders. It took my Dr. telling me that a 4th c-section would be a bad idea to make me understand that I should call it a day. I should be thankful for what I have. Thankful that I was able to get pregnant and carry my babies to term and deliver them healthy. At least 3 out of 4. As much as I appreciate all that I have, there is still this tiny little piece of me saying "what if". What if we didn't have to pay DC for 3 kids already ? What if I get pregnant by *accident* again ? What if we hit the lottery and money isn't an issue? So many what if's .. and yet it's my body that can't handle it. I know my heart could. The amount of scarring from the 1st two sections made sewing me up this last time a monumental feat. As he was sewing he made a joke about reserving a whole day if I have #4. yeah.. funny. But he's not joking now. Sucks to be me. Now that he has flat out said it the importance of his words make me want to run and pretend I didn't hear him. I love being pregnant.. being a mom... now when I say my baby.. that's what she is and will always be. My Baby.. the last..

My family (parents mostly) will be happy to hear it simply because they worry about me. They think I take on too much with a full time job and 3 kids. But gosh.. to have that excitement of findding out you are pregnant.. and the wonderful feeling you get when you feel that 1st movement .. and the butterflies you feel because you have a secret that no one knows yet.. and even better the day you meet your beautiful little baby.. that person that has depended on you for months and will now depend on you even more.. to look in his or her eyes and see everything .. all the hopes and dreams and all the potential in that scrunched up little face.
Ah.. just typing this all out gets to me.. I so wish things were different and yet I'm kinda (I said kinda) glad that I have a reason for calling it quits besides monetary ones.

I'll just have more time to devote to the girls' wardrobes and the boy's sports.

Independent to a Fault

I just can't understand my own mind sometimes. I refuse to relinquish power. I have this physical (albeit irrational) need to do everything myself rather than ask for help. If help is offered I sometimes will accept depending on what it is. Those instances usually involve cooking. I hate cooking. But for me to flat out ask for help. Never.
I came to this realization after giving birth via c-section to my son. The day I got home I went in to sit down and *pop* *gush* I stood up and I looked like an extra from a cheap version of a horror flick. Long story short I popped my incision and required many more Dr. visits, wound care visits, etc. than normally required after giving birth. And because of the section I could not drive. This lasted for 10 weeks. Which meant I needed help. It nearly killed me to have my Mom coming to help out on days that I had appointments. I wanted to be able to do everything myself like I had always done. I literally broke down crying one day because I had to have help. She looked at me like I was insane. I'm not insane.. I like doing things for myself and I like things done my way. It's the OCD I suffer from .. my way or the highway.. god forbid I need Jim to bathe the kids for me or do some cleaning. I can't even give him those simple chores to do because I know I will end up watching him and telling him how it should be done. I guess that's my biggest problem. I want things done the way I want things done. So I do it all myself. My world is a better place when things are done the right way.. my way.

Things I enjoy

It's odd how certain thoughts come to me.. in the bathroom.. while driving etc.
I just had a thought of how much I enjoy the feel of a beautiful autumn day. The sun shining on the multicolored leaves and the crisp breeze. Of course I came upon this thought while in the bathroom but hey that doesn't matter. Right?
I enjoy the belly laughs I get from my kids when I tickle them in just the right spot and how it is contagious. And the way their hair smells when they are fresh and clean.
I really enjoy being pregnant. Seriously. The whole kit and kaboodle. If I had the balls to do it I might consider surrogacy. My problem would be handing over the baby in the end.
I enjoy a nice bloody filet. Ahh.. the carnivore in me will never give up the red meat.
I enjoy catching up with old friends and current friends. Even if it is only via email.
I enjoy listening to Chloe totally massacre her ABC's simply because she's trying her best.
I enjoy having the kids jump into bed with Jim and I on a cold winter morning just to watch TV.
I enjoy the closeness my whole family has. Even my parents who are divorced and remarried. Everyone gets along so nicely to the point where my Mom is invited to my Dad's house for family stuff and vice versa. Never thought that would happen. But it did and we (my siblings and myself) are very thankful for it.
I enjoy the smell of wood burning on an autumn evening.
I enjoy any day at the Jersey shore.. even in a monsoon there is nothing better than a day at the shore.
I enjoy a back rub from my husband when he's doing it just to be nice rather than when he's trying to get lucky.
I enjoy the result of a good deep house cleaning even if it makes me exhausted.

There are so many other things I enjoy that I could go on and on and on but I won't.. because I also enjoy brevity. :)

Happy 3rd Birthday Chloe Margaret..

It's amazing ... my Middle Child is 3 years old today. I can remember going for the ultrasound and the tech saying that she is 99.9% sure it's a girl. Aedan and Jim looking on.. mesmerized by the little person flipping around in there. I wasn't believing the gender prediction until she came out without a penis. It was all new to me.. we never found out with Aedan so he was a surprise. So when the tech said "girl" for some reason I just couldn't bank on it. I still bought girly stuff and saved the receipts just in case, because those stories about babies coming out the opposite of what the tech said were always in the back of my mind. So when Dr. Murphy pulled her out and said it's a girl I was ecstatic. Girl stuff is just so much more fun in terms of shopping.

She is the polar opposite of Aedan. She is stubborn and opinionated. Independent and clingy all at the same time. And boy she has that Irish temper. She can try your patience and melt your heart in a matter of seconds. When she is angry everyone knows it but when she is happy she can light up a room. She is far more advanced than Aedan at her age. And I tend to handle her as if she were older. I have been reminding myself that she is only 2 and I should not expect the same behavior from her as I do Aedan. She is supposed to spill her drinks, get marker all over herself and the table, drop crumbs EVERYWHERE and be a tornado in general.

Her blonde hair with curls, her green eyes, her dimples and that devilish smile make you fall in love over and over. She can tell you a story with her eyes and you have to laugh most of the time and sometimes you ask yourself what she is up to.



Chloe is your typical girly-girl. My Mom and Step-Mom were hoping for a girly-girl when she was born. My niece loathes anything pink or princessy.. so they are in heaven with Chloe these days. Dress up, jewelry, her collection of "pocka-purses", dress up heels and countless other tiny accessories clutter her corner of my living room. But most days recently if you can't see her she is at the kitchen table coloring and drawing. Crayons and a coloring book can keep that child busy for hours on end. She gets that from me. :) We spent 2 nights away this past weekend and when we were in the room all she did was use the complimentary pen and notepad to draw. That notepad was full front to back, both sides of the paper. By Monday morning she had resorted to drawing on the newspaper ads. :)

I'm trying to raise her to believe she can do whatever and be whatever she dreams. I hope she knows that whatever she decides is OK with me.. go to college, get married and have babies, work or stay home. It's her choice and the world is her oyster. But for now I'm happy to tuck her in at bedtime, carry her when she's tired, and scrub the marker off her hands and face multiple times a day. Just as long as she doesn't grow up too quickly. :) Happy Happy Birthday Miss Moo. Daddy and I love you.

No Sleepovers... just yet

I did not go through fertility treatments, experience a miscarriage and give birth via c-section to 3 children to simply hand them over whenever someone wants to babysit or keep them overnight. Sorry. I mean geez.. they are 4 and 2. Why must they sleep over? and why would you *want* them to?? They get up before 7 every day and Miss Thing avoids sleep at bedtime like the plague. I realize you offer simply to give me a break.. but truthfully.. I knew what I was signing up for. So while I appreciate your thoughtfulness.. I'll have to decline.

I like having them at home with me. I don't want to part with them overnight yet.. they'll have plenty of time for that when they are like 20.. They are only little once so I think I'll keep them with me as long as they'll have me. I know once they hit the teen years they will be embarrassed simply by my presence so let's not rush things.

As much as they can drive someone to alcoholism I still would rather spend the day with them than anyone else. I've had my moments when I was curled up in a corner bawling my eyes out just because they've pushed me over the edge. ( Namely Mother's day 2 years running.. but we won't go there now) I still look forward to tucking them in at night and waking up with a toddler poking me and standing 2 inches from my face. Or getting Miss Alexa from her crib where she is so darn happy that it's morning that she has this big gummy grin and her legs are going a mile a minute until I pick her up. After 4.5 years I still rely on my body to wake itself up so I can go around and check and tuck at 2 am. to make sure the wiggle worms are still in their beds, or at least in their bedrooms. It's my job and I still take pleasure in it.

So as much as I'd like to sell them to a circus some days I'd still like them back in time for nighty night. So for all you nutjobs that have asked if my kids could sleep over..... No.... for now anyway.

Steer Clear... or else you may lose a limb

Ever have one of those days that starts out wonderful ? you're in a good mood, the sun is shining, and all is well with the world. Then all of a sudden BAM! Something happens .. you may not even know what the turning point was.. but now you are just in a sour mood. You dread someone saying good morning simply because you don't want to say it back.. you'd rather just tell that person to F off?? You shouldn't be required to be happy and cheery and smiley faced 24/7/365 right?? I mean sometimes I just don't want to be the nice guy.. or the people pleaser. But I give into the pressure from the angel on my shoulder and smile and give a wave and a "good morning" or "Have a Nice day" when secretly I want to trip that person and laugh as they fall. Even as I type that I have to chuckle.. I find other's pain funny at times.
These days aren't often enough to be a psychological problem so don't call Norristown State Hospital on me.. I think my mind just needs a few days every year where I can give the Polyanna a break.
I rather like being the Bitch on ocassion.. and yet I get the shakes if someone is mad at me. That's the people pleaser in me.. I'd love to just say no with a scowl and walk away and yet I can't. So if you could all be so kind as to just take the piss poor mood with a grain of salt.. I'm sure I'll be Little Miss Sunshine the next time you see me.

The South Philly Squatters

This is the title myself and closest neighbors have inherited in our 11 years living in our cul-de-sac. Not sure who coined the phrase but it was uttered to another neighbor during a trip to the salon. She in turn relayed the nickname to us. So we have been trying to figure who had the balls to say it in the first place.. we're figuring it's an older neighbor that has to slow down to drive through our *curb parties* every night just to get to her garage. We think she made the mistake of saying it to an ex neighbor while the Ex was cutting her hair. Now this Ex was a miserable piece of work while she lived there so we are glad she is gone. LOL. Seems she is still miserable from what I hear.

Anyway.. the reasoning behind the nickname is because every night (as long as it's not raining) we hang outside on the curb watching our kids play. Because we are responsible parents. And because some neighbors find it necessary to come flying into the court at full speed without care as to who may be in the street. So it's *game off* when we see someone coming.

We have a grand old time.. hanging out playing ball or whatever with the kids and drinking.. :) There are at least 4 of us and we can easily get up to about 7 or so.. these are aduts of course. The children ranging in age from Alexa's 6 months all the way up to 13 are all running around like nuts and playing. So we stay outside to keep our eyes on them and enjoy each other's company.

I'm not sure why being outside and keeping an eye on your kids is considered a bad thing? Maybe these people wish they were a part of our curb parties?? We'd gladly invite you in if you so choose. We don't deny membership. It may cost you a couple beers every once in a while.. but other than that no dues.

Halloween is coming up.. oh boy it's a blast in our development The kids could easily hit over 100 houses in a matter of a couple hours. And we light the fire pit in the driveway of another neighbor, sometimes pull a TV into the drive if a good football game is on and just generally have a blast. We could be out there til 10 pm or later depending on the weather and our beer supply.

You may think we are offended that we have been given that nickname but we revel in it. We're actually considering T-shirts. We are known to give other neighbors nicknames also, depending on their personalities.. we have the "fuds" because the 2 twins remind us of Elmer Fud, Stickman (cause he was soo skinny and pale), 50 Foot Woman, Crash ( he's the one in a car accident every other month), oh and The Hooch (younger girl renting the house with gentlemen callers at all hours of the weekend) and a few others...

So, call us what you will but we enjoy ourselves and keep our children safe and happy outside rather than inside tearing the joint up. And watch yourself or you may end up with a nickname from us one day.

Oh We'll Take Your Money

OK. I'm catholic. Raised that way, Married that way and chose to raise my own children in the church. But lately I'm becoming a bit cynical. When we moved into our home we went to this church. They allowed us to become parishioners no questions asked. Well we come to find out we are out of the boundaries for that parish. So if my children need to attend CCD they cannot attend it there.. but they'll take our $$$ on a weekly basis and tuition if we want to send them there for a catholic education. The other parish (that we were apparently supposed to be a member of ) is currently under construction of a new church in addition to a new school.

It started way back when I called to schedule Aedan's Christening. They had to check my file (to see how much $$ we've given to them in the past) and they'd call me back. We *were* regular churchgoers before children and after so it wasn't an issue. Same deal when we called about Chloe's christening.

Fast Forward to 2007. Our parish gets a new Pastor. Slightly younger than the last but he seemed nice enough. First week. Bulletin spells out a list of do's and don't for mass. Don't wear shorts, Don't wear flip flops, don't come in late, don't feed your children cheerios.. and so on with a few other idiotic *rules*. I always dress decently since that is the way I was raised but the way I see it you are there for mass what does it matter in the long run what the heck you were wearing while there?

Once Alexa was born we didn't have her christened at that church. A family friend ( the one who baptised the other 2) is a Monsignor in another parish so we went there. No biggie.. he married us and baptised the other two so we traveled. We haven't been to our church in a bit simply because of all the rules etc. that have been instituted and we are anxiously awaiting the *new* parish church construction. And now after hearing some even more recent developments I am sad to say I won't be back at all.

A family friend is a very active member of the church, volunteers etc. She has a toddler about the age of 2. She got a letter last week from the church asking her to please not bring her toddler to mass anymore and that if that will cause her not to attend then she can simply mail in her weekly giving.

I was flabbergasted that they would actually put it in writing and yet not surprised at all. And I wonder how many families got that same letter. I guess the church isn't open to everyone after all ??

I need my memories

Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us. ~Oscar Wilde

I am so worried about forgetting something significant in my children's lives that I have been pretty good about updating baby books, taking photographs and just replaying information in my head over and over. So when I couldn't remember what time Alexa was born I started having heart palpitations this morning. I'm older, I know.. my memory got worse with each subsequent pregnancy and childbirth but short of having little yellow post-it notes all over the place I am doing my best to keep my memories fresh. I can tell you what I was wearing on my first date with Jim 15 years ago.. so when I forgot a time as important as this from just 6 months ago I freaked.

I want to remember how they smelled as a baby and when they first started to walk and just.. well... everything. I know it's impossible to remember everything but still I am doing my best to keep these memories alive so I can relay wonderful stories from their childhoods to my grandchildren when I am old and wrinkly.

I know the effort may seem futile and in the long run I can't remember EVERYTHING.. but I'm going to try my damndest to remember the happy and sad times, the not so bad times and everything in between .

just for future reference..
Baby Angel conceived on October 2, 2001 .. taken home to heaven on December 6, 2001.
Aedan was born on Tuesday, Nov. 11, 2003, weighing 9 pounds and .06 ounces at 3:52 pm.
Chloe was born on Friday, Oct. 14, 2005, weighing 7 pounds and 11 ounces at 9:26 am.
Alexa was born on Thursday, April 3, 2008, weighing 8 pounds, 9 ounces at 11:11 am.

Go my babies.. grow, dream, experience and live everyday to the fullest and I'll do my best to remember it well.